A friend of mine posted this to Facebook recently:

How long does the whole “throw a tantrum when you don’t get your way” thing last? Any suggestions on dealing with it in a positive way?

I had a hard time answering these questions, because I’m sure my method would go strictly against his idea of “positive”. But I did answer and without going too far into detail on Facebook, I said the following.

 I always let mine rant for a while, then told him “no, it’s not happening bro, knock it off”. It didn’t take long for them to get the idea that I wasn’t going to buy into their nonsense. But then, I was never afraid to get “firm” with my tone of voice either.

Now, I ‘d like to point out that I have no degrees or training in child development. I don’t have any degrees in anything, just a guy with a High School diploma who has worked many jobs in his 38 years while trying to provide for his four boys. I’m no guru, I’m not the first guy you’d turn to for parenting advice by any means, but I can tell you this… Invite my family to your home for a visit, and my four boys (aged 9 to 19) will sit quietly and respectfully. They will answer your questions and try to engage you in a conversation if you’re willing. If you’re working on a project when we show up or you’re cooking dinner for us, they will offer to assist without any reservations or feeling put out. They are, by MY standards, very good children.

They are respectful and while they sometimes get out of hand at home, they know better than be anything but polite and respectful when they’re at YOUR house or at a restaurant in public.

Anyways, since I tend to ramble, let’s get back to the initial query here. How do you deal with tantrums in a positive way? You don’t. There’s nothing you can actively DO to cure tantrums. Tantrums, by their very definition, are designed to get a reaction. How you react dictates how the tantrum is going to go. You can acquiesce and enable more of the same, or you can try to reason with them (which is a losing battle) or you can be completely firm with them to the point of wanting to beat their butts.

Any attention you give to a tantrum is going to fuel future tantrums. It’s not so much that your toddler REALLY wants cookies instead of ice cream for dessert, they’re simply testing their limits and their powers. Like a superhero that just realized he or she has amazing powers. They have to test things. This is where being a good parent comes into play.

You don’t want to see them unhappy, but if you’re a rational adult who’s spent any time in the real world, you’ll know that you can’t always be happy in everything you do. You can’t always have everything you want simply because you want it and feel you deserve it. Sometimes you have to earn things, hell, MOST times you have to earn things.

So here’s my answer in it’s fullest, feel free to skim it and then reply to the points you disagree with in the comments.

“When my sons were toddlers, and they didn’t get what they wanted, when they wanted it, we simply ignored them. We took away food or plates, just to make sure we didn’t have a huge mess to clean up afterwards, but we didn’t do much more than that. When I was a young boy, my parents had a philosophy about how you should behave in public. ‘Don’t embarrass me, behave yourself!’ was the mantra. I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. My bad behavior reflects on them, and maybe they don’t want to feel like assholes in public settings. That’s not unreasonable if you truly think about it.

I don’t advocate beating your child by any means, but don’t just let them shriek and scream and throw themselves around on the floor around other people who didn’t ask you to bring your problem child into the store/restaurant/movie/etc., either. Be respectful of others, teach your kids to be respectful of others and the world will be a better place for all.

I would always let my kids start their nonsensical tantrums. If we were in public, I would shush them and tell them in no uncertain terms to stop it. STOP IT you’re bothering other people. At home? Knock yourself out. No, literally, knock yourself out.  Eventually you’re going to realize that I’m not playing your silly games.”

I know some parents believe in allowing their kids to express themselves, I know some parents say “You can’t tell me how to raise my kid, it’s none of your business!”.  To those parents, I say you’re wrong. I CAN tell you, because when your precious little angels/special snowflakes/unicorn farts leave your home and enter a public area that I happen to be in at the same time, their personal expression and their lack of respect for others directly affects me.

You are the parent. You set the limits, you enforce the limits or you will be judged by others. Don’t like being judged? Tough, grow up, that’s life.

A lot of today’s parents need to realize they’re the ones in a position of authority here. You are NOT your child’s friend, you are their PARENT. You are supposed to be the bad guy sometimes. You are supposed to hurt their feelings from time to time. EVERYTHING cannot be roses and unicorns and cotton candy. That’s unrealistic and you’re setting them up to be unable to deal with the real world as adults by doing this to them.

Plus, those of us who have to endure your annoying kid would really appreciate you shutting them the hell up while we’re trying to have a nice dinner out, without OUR kids for the first time in two years. I just wish more parents would realize that while their child may be the center of their own universe, the rest of us really don’t care to tolerate him or her every time we have a chance to cross paths with them.

One addendum here, and it’s going to enrage someone, I’m sure of it. If you can’t get a sitter or someone to care for your baby/toddler but you desperately need to go see Iron Man III at the theater, guess what? You just have to deal with the fact that life isn’t fair. Don’t bring a toddler to a movie that they’re not going to understand, get engaged in or be able to sit through.

I paid my money to see this movie, just like you did, sure enough. The difference is, I didn’t bring a moody, cranky little person along who might ruin it for other people. Think beyond yourself. Parents are the reason that kids are insufferable in the first place. Just like your child shouldn’t get everything he or she wants the minute or the way he or she wants it, you yourself aren’t deserving of things if they negatively affect others. I’m sorry. You don’t have to like or agree with that sentiment, but you absolutely have to realize that the world at large could give less than half a shit about your feelings. I want to see, AND HEAR, my movie.