I don’t know how it is in your house, but in our house the one crisis that continually arises is a lack of toilet paper at the absolute most inopportune moments. That’s not to say there isn’t any in the house at all, it’s that it never seems to be in the bathroom that someone happens to need it in at the moment. I’m still baffled as to how this happens on such a regular and reliable basis.
You see, there are six people in our home. Myself, my beautiful bride, and our four offspring. As you can probably figure, there are a lot of butts in need of servicing by way of double-quilted softness. And as I would hope you could imagine, we buy copious amounts of this stuff on a weekly basis. In fact, if Charmin or Northern or any of the other major butt care companies happen across this post, we would not be against a little sponsorship. We’re probably responsible for a good 10% of your annual earnings alone.
That said, it seems that if one of the kids is in prone position on the porcelain pony, it’s inevitable that they’re going to find themselves in a desperate way. I don’t know how they’ve managed to avoid learning to look before they settle in and insure there’s adequate paper within comfortable reach, but they haven’t.
Not really Aaron, but he’ll do fine for illustrative purposes
And one night, not too long ago, Aaron (our 10 year old) found himself in such a precarious predicament. I was in the bedroom across the hall when I heard his troubled screams. “SOMEONE GET ME SOME TOILET PAPER!” followed by abject silence. I wasn’t about to get involved, you see I like to witness these creatures in their natural habitat and find that if I interfere all I do is upset the natural balance of things.
So I waited a minute. Two of his brothers were also across the hall in their bedroom. Oblivious to their sibling’s plight. So Aaron bellows once more, “CAN SOMEONE GET ME SOME PAAAAAY-PUR??!!” Again, his pleas fall on deaf ears and uncaring souls. A few minutes pass and desperation has begun to turn into panic. He’s beginning to realize that he may well be alone in his struggles. Like an animal caught in a trap, only he can’t chew off his foot to escape.
Frightened and more than a little irritated with the lack of ground support he’s received to this point, he let’s go with all he has, “CAN SOMEONE GET ME SOME TOILET PAPER? CAN SOMEONE GET ME SOME TOILET PAPER? CAN SOMEONE GET ME SOME TOILET PAPER!!!???!!!”
Some of you might be wondering why I didn’t get involved at this point to assist. He is, after all, my child. I could say it’s because I was practicing some twisted method of tough love, and I could say that I was teaching him a lesson about looking around to make sure you have what you need before it becomes an issue. I could say that, but I’d be lying.
Not actually me, either, but a fairly accurate enough representation
Nope, the truth of the matter is simple. I was laughing my ass off listening to this. I’m a horrible, horrible human being some times. Finally though, his younger brother, DJ, responded with this gem: “JUST USE YOUR SOCK!”
And keeping with my theme of not using actual family photos, this isn’t actually DJ.
At which point I died. I wasn’t any good for anyone. Tears streaming down my face, my chest aching, unable to catch my breath. I figured this wasn’t the end of things, and it wasn’t. The following is the word-for-word exchange they had:
Aaron: No, I’m not going to use my sock! GET ME SOME PAPER!
DJ: I’m busy, just use your sock.
Aaron: DJ! No! I need toilet paper, I can’t use a sock!
DJ: Well, I don’t know what to tell you. You should just use your sock.
Aaron: <unintelligible screaming> PAPER!
DJ: Fine, just wait a minute.
time passes
Aaron: DJ!!! Where are you with the paper?
DJ: Hold on, just let me beat this level and I’ll get it.
Aaron: <sreaming>
ME: dying from laughter
And that’s what happens in our house when toilet paper isn’t available. Does this happen in your home? Do you think maybe there are toilet paper gremlins running around throughout the day, misplacing the rolls and hiding them to incite panic in the next poor soul who finds himself at his most vulnerable?
Feel free to share your stories in the comments. I’d love to hear ‘em!
